“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” ― Plato

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Inside of me I want to serve, I want to do a good job, make a difference.
But I am continually finding myself overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts that I don't feel should accompany me through the sterilized hospital halls.
I have been taken by surprise and feel as if I have been knocked off my feet.
The smells that creep out from moving limbs, trigger my watery eyes attempting to hold back a rude gag.
Dried blood that clings to the creases of faces making me wonder if they regret getting behind the wheel with heroin in their veins.
The unknown that is stamped on families faces as they struggle to grasp their loved ones fate, the false hope that leaps from my lips to comfort, "This is normal, it just takes time."
A disheartened paraplegic who is re-learning to dress himself as I stand by his side trying to recall if one ounce of effort went into putting on my pants this morning.
The judgement and confusion that bounces through my head because of a dad who wants nothing to do with his son who has schizophrenia and a traumatic brain injury.
These things, these people end up closer to my heart than my head.
I carry them home to my dreams only to return in the morning to their reality.
The luck that I carry in my pocket makes a wear outline in my jeans, making me all the more aware of my many blessings and lifes' uncertainties.
To not compare my life to theirs almost feels impossible.
I feel as if I could talk to Jung and Briggs Myers they would inform me that my personality type isn't cut out for the hospital.
I don't want to question my patients motives and extent of their pain but instead remember that they are someones
daughter
brother
grandchild
loved one.
At one time their small feet and hands crawled through grass exploring, just as I once did.
Remembering that they are trying to navigate a wavering world, just as I am.
That they too are a created in the image of a gracious God.
I'm trying to regain my footing.
Constantly finding the balance between compartmentalizing and compassion.

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