Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Late night thoughts are funny.
Sometimes scary.
But mostly funny.

You know that state where you are tired but aren't ready to sleep?
That state where everything becomes possible.
Your ideas sound amazing and you wonder why no one else has thought of it.
Those amazing ideas usually find a way into my phones notepad, never to be forgotten.

The state where you can talk yourself in and out of anything.
"Its probably raining in the morning so I shouldn't run, don't want to get sick."

That state where anything is funny.
You find yourself much more witty, more goofy.
Any joke gets a chuckle if not a full out thundering belly laugh.
Funniest Home Videos become so much more entertaining.

The state where your mind takes flight and there is no controlling the figments of imagination it will try to convince you are true.

This is the state I would like to stay in.

But in the morning....
My witty jokes aren't as funny and I end up saying, "you had to be there."
I realize that my figments of imagination are only from my mind, and most likely false.
More often than not, I am puzzled by what I punched into my phone.
Lentil coffee sounded good at the time.


Friday, February 22, 2013

I locked my bike up to walk into the market to get some food for dinner.
After getting all the food on my list, which seemed to only take a magical 2 seconds, I returned to my bike.  
But all that sat there was my wheel, left all alone, naked. 
I looked all around but my beautiful green bike with bright yellow handle bars was no where to be seen. 
Thoughts kept rushing my head, "My favorite thing has been stolen right from me." "How am I going to survive in Loma Linda without my bike" "you didn't lock it up right."  
I didn't weave the stiff lock wire through the steel frame and wheel like I was taught. 
With all those panicky thoughts running through my head I must have woken myself up. 
What a relief.... it was only a dream. 

Well today my dream came true. 
I walked out of my fieldwork at the daycare and there was my lock coiled around the steel ring with no bike in sight. 
My heart immediately dropped straight into my stomach. 
I couldn't believe my eyes. 
I thought to myself "is this a joke?" 
I didn't want to believe what I was seeing.
"Come on world! Give me a break!" 

I am pissed. furious. hurt. upset. disappointed.
Who steals a bike from a daycare? 

The darn coincidence of my dream a couple days ago and what happened today. Was the universe trying to warn me?
Was it the thought that was planted in my head that made it come true?

I believe strongly that when a thought is planted in your head, you are then unable to get it out and sooner or later it will come true. 

All I want is my bike back. 
I know this may sound dramatic but I feel like my heart was broken. 
My bike was what I looked forward to everyday, it was my buddy.
I loved that bike with all my heart!!
We were up for any adventure.

We were quick, weaving through obstacles. 
Just last week her quick maneuvering skills saved me from being hit by a truck. 
I proudly showed her around. 

We fit perfectly together!

It's hard to explain.
I am just hurt. 

R.I.P The Green Beauty 


Monday, February 18, 2013

There are things that I wish I could understand...
like math. 
There have been happy moments of clarity in which I think I get it, but I always return to the confusing, questioning, frustrating unknowns of math.  
I envy the people who it just comes easy to. 
They don't even struggle or have to put up a fight. 

Do I just accept the fact that I probably won't ever get it?
Do I push to find answers, conquer the frustrations it builds inside?

There are those things in life, like math, that leave us wondering...
do we push forward or hold up our white flag? 

Wish I had a calculator to solve this problem. 

What I like about photographs is they capture a moment that is gone forever and can never be reproduced. - Karl Lagerfeld

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

There is something about a disposable camera that captures a moment.
Most of the time it isn't perfect.
Dark smears, red flashes, blurred out faces.
But it is the "imperfect" parts that gives the picture character.
Gives it the edge that a digital camera or instagram can not create.
It is just simply how it is... It holds its own.

Here are my disposable treasures....There are a lot so brace yourself. (Click read more at the bottom to see them all)


"Its very difficult to cross to the other side of the street. Its very difficult to know whether one is being brave or being reckless and when one is being wise or a coward." - the english surgeo

Sunday, February 10, 2013

There I was... sitting on the toilet at Starbucks, pants at my ankles, staring straight at my face in the mirror!
Tears starting to well up, unsure if they wanted to roll down my face in a waterfall fashion, letting everyone know or just pool enough on my bottom eyelid to release some pressure that had been building.
I knew what I needed in that moment of pure plotz.
I needed a pep talk.

Have you ever received a pep talk?
One that motivates you and makes you think "What the hell am I doing? Get your S*?# together!"

So there I sat, the seat beneath me beginning to heat up from the time spent there. Just staring myself straight in the face... Quietly the words came, "kati (I paused, thinking what do I want to say next?) You are strong!" Ok, I can partially believe that...besides the fact that I am sitting on a toilet, on the verge of crying giving myself a pep talk.

 My thoughts quickly shifted to "Is this rock bottom?" But I was at wits ends and in need of a pep.

"You are better than all this! You have the choice! You have the power within you! You are surrounded by people who love you and care for you! No one deserve your tears! Embrace today! Make it count by doing what you love! You have got this Kati Winkle!!! You are so fricken strong" (throwing swear words in there once in a while makes it feel more powerful).

The tears did roll down my face but in an encouraging way, if thats possible.
I was feeling, expressing, processing, encouraging.

 Sometimes giving myself a pep talk just doesn't cut it.
There are still so many days when I look a friend in the eyes and say "I need a pep talk!"
These talks are getting more humorous, more creative, more animated (especially when I get one from Emily) and more believable.

Somedays all I need is a quote.
I love quotes! Like really really love them.
Sometimes a friends sends me a quote or I find one that gets me through a day.
I just keep repeating it over and over in my head, hoping that it will be branded, sizzling it into my brain.
It gives me the pep talk I can't give myself. (embarrassing but true)
Quotes get the wheels in my brain turning, making me rethink the ways I am conducting and living my days.

Here are quotes, quotes and more quotes!


Time to Shine Heart

Monday, February 4, 2013

"What about little microphones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls? When you skateboarded down the street at night you could hear everyone's heartbeat, and they could hear yours, sort of like sonar. One weird thing is, I wonder if everyone's hearts would start to beat at the same time, like how women who live together have their menstrual periods at the same time, which I know about, but don't really want to know about. That would be so weird, except that the place in the hospital where babies are born would sound like a crystal chandelier in a houseboat, because the babies wouldn't have had time to match up their heartbeats yet. And at the finish line at the end of the New York City Marathon it would sound like war."

- Jonathan Safran Foer

I have thought about this, what if our hearts had microphones? 
But what if it didn't share the beat of our heart?
What if it would speak softly or loudly the desires, aches, happiness and questions of our hearts?
There would be no volume control to quickly mute or blast our hearts awareness. 
No censoring what our hearts had to share.

Instead a feeling would pound through our hearts vessels, like a wild river, until it reached the microphone of our heart.
It would be a sincere lull that would step up to the microphone clearing its throat to face the audience.
Honest words and thoughts would pulse out occasionally flowing in a poetic manner, impressing those who heard it.
More often it would come out simply like a brain/heart fart, short, rude, unrelated.

Two-faced, fake facers, liars, con artists and tricky people would not exist.
No BS would hit our ears entering only to trick and play games on our mind.

Emotions would be freed from the tight straight jacket that controls every building twitching feeling inside.
Apologies would not be given out like little penny's, but rather treasured and shared with mounting value.
I could look straight in those eyes and my mouth would not sensor the feelings marinating in me.
Things wouldn't be built up or expanded, running around the race track thats never ending in your mind.

We would have the freedom to talk openly and honestly about who we are.

I wonder if this rawness would force us to fight? Force us to face the hard unwelcoming facts? Force us to have discussions that are needed and tame our imaginations from running wild?

There would be no fault with what the heart says, because of the common understanding that everyones heart is speaking truth.

Ill be my hearts microphone, my mouth the mediator, at least until they invent a microphone for my little raw flesh heart.

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