Real life?

Monday, December 31, 2012

The other day I got out of my car and was walking towards the sidewalk. A very bouncy smiley lady maybe in her 40's came walking by. As she passed me she smiled, winked, and no lie, did a spin and just kept walking. I was shocked. I looked around for the cameras, was I in a musical?
At first I thought, "what the heck was that?" I even felt a bit of embarrassment for her.
Then I became a bit jealous...
 She was confident enough to wink at a stranger and spin!!!

Then just today I passed a real life cowboy. I have seen a lot of cowboys, but none to the intensity of this one. And in all places southern California, in a Stater Bros parking lot.
He was a cowboy you would see off a Marlboro commercial.
He lightly gripped the front of his cowboy hat and tipped it down and said "howdy miss" as he passed me.

In both of these situations I didn't even know how to respond.
I just thought to myself "Is this real life?"


Friday, December 28, 2012

We have no where important to be.
We are exactly where we should be.
Tonight Bella (my sisters dog) and I lay in the comfort of my bed.
I don't really like christian music...but tonight I got a craving.
So I sit with this different rendition of a song I find so soothing to my ears.
It familiar and welcoming.
As the song hits my ears, I can feel it move through my body to my heart.
Filling it with all sorts of goodness.

You know some people they just won't understand no I just won't understand

Thursday, December 27, 2012


Here I find myself in the kiddy corner at the goodwill bookstore.
I can escape here.
My internal heart compass always steers me to where I need to go. 
The sturdy arrow of my compass rarely points me in the wrong direction.
It may wobble and spin gaining its balance but it always straightens out.  
Maybe I find myself here because the other books are just too overwhelming.
Daunting philosophies, cryptic messages, battles between good and evil.  
I already have my own philosophies.
My mind already thinks in puzzling metaphors and pictures.
I have my own battles to armor up for. 

In this kiddy corner I can place all of that aside.
My eyes are captured and held captive by the bright colors. 
The words are simple and straight, refreshing cool water to my overused, over-exhausted mind. 
You will not find any mystery or unanswered questions in this corner. 
Everything is wrapped up nicely, no loose ends to stumble over.  

How these books end up in this book orphanage, I don't know. 
Maybe people have outgrown them, or at least think they have. 

Meaningful lessons still lurk behind their water stained, colored, torn, rippling pages.
Lessons of manners, sharing, bravery, fairness, practicing kindness, being true to yourself, and love. 
Sometimes as we grow older these lessons are abandoned, forgotten, lost in the jumble of life. 
I find myself in this kiddy corner not wanting to leave. 
I want to capture it in a jar, just like fireflies, taking it everywhere with me. 


Saturday, December 22, 2012

I sit tonight with cold feet.
This is not an uncommon thing.
I use to just sit with my cold feet.
I could cope and adjust.

I sometimes wonder why I do things a certain way.
I look back and think about things I would do differently.
I use to get stuck on the ways of how things are "supposed" to be done.
Get stuck on how I felt I was "supposed" to perform/be.
I am no Martha Stewart.
I question the way I have done things.
Why I reacted certain ways in certain situations.
It's confusing, mind boggling.
It's hard not to look back.

Tonight I decided to go and grab my wigwam socks.
Tonight I'm not only coping but thriving.

contorted xmas list

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Every year around this time I get asked/hassled to make a christmas list.
You think this would be an easy task but it isn't.
There are so many things to take into consideration like how expensive things are, or what you want the very most because you can't have everything you ask for.
I rattled my brain trying to think of what my list would consist of.
It is hard to think of things when you feel like you don't really need anything.
I thought to myself "Come on Kati! It's not that hard. If you could have anything with no limits what would it be?"
I started to list things off in my head, explaining each suggestion as if someone was taking diligent notes.

1. I would ask for a plain ticket to Ireland or Greece. Maybe even find myself a nice, tall, strong man with an accent.

2. A scooter/motorcycle is something I have dreamed of having for a long time. It would be one that matches me and we would be the best of friends.

3. I have always been a fan of basketball games so I think I would ask for a ticket to the NBA Finals.
or personal team in which I could challenge to a basketball game at any time.

Then I was stumped... overwhelmed.
None of this stuff was going to make my life better.
In fact my life has really really sucked (to put it nicely) at times these past months.
None of these things, I think, could reverse the damage done.

So my christmas list changed directions. I asked myself,
What is it that makes me happy?

1. Spending time with the people I love.

The answer was easy.

Its the moments of

uncontrollable laughter
 meaningful discussions
meaningless stories
river swimming
long walks
drinking coffee or tea
bike riding
train painting
wave chasing
color running
eating great food
tree fort making
berry eating
playing sports
grocery shopping
road tripping

My first day, my last day, everyday and christmas day I want to spend in these moments...connecting, engaging and being present with the people I love.


Sunday, December 16, 2012

Straight down the center.
I am face to face with a split.
One side I know really well, the other side is foreign.
I can face the foreign side, smile and politely wave.
The other side I ignore and push away. 
Will these two sides ever join?
Will they meet on some kind of common ground?
or will I have to deal with them separately?
No define line.
Very often are things ever defined and clear.
If it is unclear, you have to make it clear for yourself.
Whether that is making it right, letting go, or coming to terms.
So I take my chalk and draw my own, bold, bright line.
Something I can put my feet on and walk clearly across.
One foot in front of the other.
It feels good to my bare chalked feet.


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

My brain has been opened to be stuffed, shoved, and packed to the brink. I picture a tub of chicken from KFC being piled and packed, making sure the customer gets all the chicken he or she paid for.
I can't seem to muster up the motivation I so desperately need.
 Ive tried listening to a song that will pump me up but all it does is makes me want to dance.
 Ive tried running mini laps, doing jumping jacks outside of Starbucks, but I just get cold and think about how I need to go to the gym.
Ive tried secluding myself in a cubicle in the dungeon of the library but I always find myself taking too many breaks and finding people to talk to.
And here I am now supposed to be studying but instead I am procrastinating more by blogging about having no motivation.
I have a million thoughts running every which way.
Pull it together Kati!


Thursday, December 6, 2012

Yesterday evening Emily and I went on some errands (also known as procrastination on my part) to find some random technical chord and bike lights. From the start of our outing Emily had been saying how she needed to get gas. We were headed to our last destination, the bike shop and got distracted from getting gas by trying to get the directions off of our GPS.
After leaving the shop and heading back to Loma Linda on Barton, Emily said very calmly "I think we are going to run out of gas. Where is the next gas station?"
I looked behind us and spotted one not to far down the road, so we decided to flip a U and try to make it to the gas station....We didn't. As we flipped a U the car lurched and decided to die right there on Barton. The gas station was in sight but the road was long with what felt like a slight incline. As the car finished off the momentum it had, I opened the door and waited for it to slow down a bit so I could jump out and push. We jumped out and put all of our weight into the side of the car pushing with every ounce we could muster up in our bodies.
I felt like I was on the worlds strongest man pushing that car, but seriously losing the competition. Eventually I had to kick off my shoes because my flats were causing me more trouble than help.
 I thought for sure someone would stop to help 2 barefoot girls pushing a car, that was obviously out of gas. What felt like a katrillion cars passed us, my frustration began to grow.
 "What the heck Loma Linda/ Redlands residents!" Emily and I would express to the passing cars. "REALLY!?!?"
 Even a biker passed us and didn't even acknowledge us struggling to push the empty lifeless Subaru. Finally we made it to the gas station but the biggest challenge was ahead. It didn't seem too big when you looked at it but the incline entrance was staring straight at us taunting, "Good luck guys." I moved to the back of the Subaru and took a couple feet back and got a good running start, but it didn't budge in fact I think it rolled back.
Finally a pick-up stopped and a young guy popped out and ran over to help. We couldn't express to him how thankful we were for his help.
Emily and I were laughing about the struggle we had up barton, I mean it was a memorable experience. But we were still expressing some frustration at the fact that so many cars passed us so easily.
 Then I thought of this video that I love on being grateful. It is surprising how your attitude can change when you just list 5 things you are grateful for. Or actually take the time to look around and see all the good that surrounds you. It is surprisingly surprising.
 I am never going to pass a car with people pushing it ever again, doesn't matter where I am headed or what the weather is doing. I am stopping! I think Emily and I both made that pack.

I know this video is the good stuff starts at 3:20 on the video. Watch it, soak it in, do what you want with it.

tea and stuff

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Sinking in deeper to my memory foam bed top.
Pillows are propped up strategically to stabilize my tired head and back.
My body begins to generate heat throughout my newly washed sheets.
A mug is positioned safely between my two hands.
I sip tea which runs down my throat bit by bit.
It inches down cleansing as it replaces the cold with warmth.
Each tea bag whether new or reused brings new flavors, new beginnings.
It invites relaxation to consume my whole body.
I sink deeper into my bed, being careful not to spill.
But if I do spill I wont oppose the minty refreshing smell that lingers on my sheets.
My breathing is soft and slow. My thoughts are purposeful.
Tea has a certain ability to wake a person up for the day, or relax them for sleep.
To join people in conversation or leave someone to be by themselves and simply meditate.
Tonight I sit sipping my tea, inviting rest, inviting dreams, smiling back on today.


Monday, December 3, 2012

My legs pedal hard.
My calfs and thighs begin to burn and it pulses through out each leg.
The pain intensifies with every turn my feet take on my bike's ferris wheel.
The harder I push the more I feel like I am headed somewhere important, somewhere with meaning.
My hands grip tightly to my bright yellow handle bars, pulling and supporting me along my journey.
I don't know what turns I am taking or which way to go.
The wind rushes through my hair creating a long blonde tangled train.
As the wind hits my face, tears roll down.
I can't tell if it is the rain, wind or emotion that is creating this cascade of water rolling down my face.
My front tire begins to leave the ground, reminding me of ET.
Next, my back wheel is lifted from the hot, wet pavement and I am headed towards the clouds.
There is no bird traffic to manipulate through.
Just the dark, cloudy skies to fight against.
Soon the sun is blaring in my face and the heat is almost overwhelming.
In the distance I can see the outline of the little Vempali school.
I see small dark figures scurrying around and as I get closer I see that it is all the school kids.
Suddenly I notice my eyes are no longer welling and rolling with tears, just the trails of dried tears are left.
I lower my bike down to the ground and am greeted with warm accepting hugs.
My worries and stressors have almost disappeared, I am overwhelmed by the peace that flows over me.
I have returned to the heart.
A heart filled with purpose, overwhelming love, understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance.
My bike starts to shake, and quickly I find myself in Loma Linda off the trail barreling through wet grass.
The rain is pounding down on my puffy jacket and my legs continue to burn.
Water is running down my face but it is no longer accompanied by tears.
I keep pedaling, keep pushing, the pain is still there, but it is has become dull, because I have found the heart.

Blog Archive

K All rights reserved © Blog Milk