Friday, October 23, 2015

you pull on deep shades of blue
one string unwinding colors of peace
fading streams of light
they say "it too shall pass."
and so I keep looking for a signaling sign
but the dark is too blinding
dreams won't scurry, morning is rising
soon I will have to open my eyes
lying my body down on the cool morning earth
feeling my thoughts heat up the unstable ground
glimpses of those old fleeting moments
the waves tossing in my heart 
Oh it's about time
to come alone and mean something
righting wrongs and dotting "i"s
yearning for a heart that echoes freedom
knowing these hollow bones can't float forever 
to feel as sure as my daily cup of coffee 
hoping that this morning is on my side
I'm starting this day with a hopeful laughter
Oh it's about the right time.

“Everybody needs his memories. They keep the wolf of insignificance from the door.” ― Saul Bellow

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

A couple weeks ago my good friend Kara and I took a small road trip. Our stories and thoughts had almost been exhausted during the drive and so we deferred to listening to a podcast we both had heard of but never listened to called, Mortified. Over the 16+ years of friendship with Kara I have come to cherish that our friendship revolves around a lot of laughter. This particular podcast offered just that.

Mortified is a compilation of short episodes featuring any willing soul that will stand alone on a stage in front of an audience and share the most deepest secretes, private thoughts and unrefined, immature selves from their youth in the form of diary entries, poems and love letters.The first episode had Kara and I laughing and cringing all at the same time. We were laughing partly out of the raw humor of what they wrote but also the amount of awkwardness and embarrassment they were willing to endure in front of an audience. 
Part of why I think Kara and I found it to be so entertaining is because we can relate, we can remember when we were young and how some things seemed so significant at that particular time in our lives. Kara and I were both avid diary keepers when we were younger and we laugh now at some of the things we thought were so important to document in pen. I know I have had plenty of instances where I cringe and laugh and tell myself “what were you thinking? What does this even mean?” There are some things I think Kara and I both agree were and are important to document, that offer learning experiences; heartbreak, traveling adventures, gratitude, and the simplicity of daily life.  It makes me wonder if what I write now will be important to the future me. 

One of our favorite episodes was a guy named Adam who wrote poetry. Here are some of the random snippets from his reading that left us laughing. 
"when a moose ceases to be a moose, it becomes a woman."
"to have sex with a mountain"
"Love exist as a cloth panel, as a doll is cursed to bless, as a pebble says to a beast, beast I have eaten." 

If you have a chance download the podcast and listen, hopefully it will leave you cringe-laughing. 

Time moves quickly, With or without me, You go fast, and I'll go slow - Noah Gundersen

Tuesday, September 1, 2015


Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Today I'm currently in an online class for work which means truthfully my mind gets to wander. Recently reading quick quotes has been my "me time", motivation, and spiritual stimulation during my busy transition of joining and getting lost in the workforce. So here are some quotes from one of my favorite calligraphy artist, Helen Boggess. 

"I will take the sun in my mouth and leap into the ripe air Alive with closed eyes to dash against darkness" — E.E. Cummings

Friday, July 31, 2015

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

“May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back, the way it is with children.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Summer to summer the river bend stays the same.
Taking its turns in the same predictable path.
Each corner bringing an old familiar feeling.
Wading into the shallow, falling into the deep.
I pushed against its persistent waters, hoping my heart pulse was stronger than the pulsing water.
Eventually my feet swept across the rocky bottom.
Falling back into the same whirling current.
My feet clambered to get over it, over its pulse.
Only to gain my footing to loose it again.
I wedged my feet between old mossy rocks that laid chaotically at the bottom.
Leaning my head and body back into the steady force of the water.
The babbling water rushed past my ears humming tunes of cherished songs.
My eyes gazed up at tree tops framing a blue sky.
The river started to feel comforting, wrapping its wild waters around me, taking on my shape.
Its all about balance, learning where to push and were to relax.
Learning that the waters are constantly changing but consistently there.
As the sun started to set I laid in those waters knowing I was experiencing a piece of earth in its truest beauty.
Those waters felt so alive, so clear with purpose.
I couldn't fight it, drown in it, or get over it.
It is apart of me, flowing through and out.

"When someone you love walks through the door, even if it happens five times a day, you should go totally insane with joy." - David Dudley

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

If you have the time watch this...if you don't... make time. 

Denali from FELT SOUL MEDIA on Vimeo.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Lately a lot of conversations I have been having are based around emotions and expressing them in a healthy manner or even just being able to fully feel them. Some emotions can be so difficult for me to express, like anger, love or excitement. I often feel embarrassment for what I am feeling and look to the faces I'm sitting with to confirm my embarrassment. An awkward comment usually slips from my mouth to cover up my true emotions, assuring those I am with that I am fine. For someone who loves to feel every emotion, every lyric to a song, every sentimental story, I'm sure not good at talking about my feelings.  

These insecurities can sometimes lead to tears that drape the corners of my eyes, to my voice quivering and to anxiety building, all out of frustration. It is frustrating because emotions are such a gift to convey our truer selves, to connect and communicate; yet I can't always find the courage to do so. It can be hard granting myself permission to fully feel and express my emotions. There can be threats and consequences if I speak my mind, fear, blame and disconnection from those around me. It is terrifying to feel like you don't have control over circumstances in your life let alone your own emotions.

I am currently reading a book on shame titled, I thought it was just me (but it isn't) by Dr. Brene Brown. In the book she says,  "In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant "to speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." The most effective way to overcome these feelings of inadequacy is to share our experiences. What comes from the inside of us is a very human need to belong, to relate."

I am learning there is value in being unapologetic for what I am feeling by having the courage to look someone in the eyes and share what's in my heart. 

Saturday, June 6, 2015

"When we are mindful, deeply in touch with the present moment, our understanding of what is going on deepens, and we begin to be filled with acceptance, joy, peace and love." — Thich Nhat Hanh

Monday, May 25, 2015

Bouncing off the coffee shop walls my thoughts fly around, like a silver ball finding its way in an old pin-ball machine. My personality lends me to the increasing ability to over-think. But thinking can only take me so far. It's taking the physical act of engaging my body and heart in the present moment. I once heard that we each are a "human(being)." Key word within a word, being. It is a part of us, how we are intended to live. The act of living consciously, presently, with actuality, and simplicity. Being able to be aware of the goodness that is surrounding me, even amidst this bustling coffee shop that plays its music too loud. When I stop, breath, and look around I can feel my heart filling up. There is peace when I discover the truth of my circumstances, of who I am, and where I am. Because I want to live a life that matters, cause it does.

“And I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know.” ― Mitch Albom

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

I don't think our blood or genes have much to do with the connection to our mothers. 
I think it's more a heart filled with pure love that endlessly intertwine us. 

The faces of these mothers says it all. 

"You don't always have to fight to win. Give peace a chance." — Lailah Gifty Akita

Thursday, April 16, 2015

“The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have. ” ― Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Bits of my life lately that make it a little sweeter.

The first drip of coffee that rolls out of my favorite mug to touch my lips in the morning.
Sitting on a street curb indulging in a sweet treat wondering about the peculiar people that journey pass.
A gentle reminder of sadness, affirming my heart of the strong emotions that still pulse throughout my body.
Encounters with children that grant me a precious chuckle and make my "to-do-list" not so urgent.
An assemblage of words that provoke motivation, love and courage.
Small streams of sweat rolling down my forehead motivating my legs to keep traveling, fueling the release of daily worry.
Conversations that aren't essential when sitting shoulder to shoulder with a dear friend in a coffee shop.
The spirited wind wiping my hair as the warm sun sets on the windshield of my car.

Taking these bits of life as a reminder to make the good things last.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

My school days are coming to an end very quickly. It feels overwhelming like when I was a small girl sitting on the bathroom countertop learning my ABCs as my mom got me ready for school. It felt like I would never reach Z. The fear of not rising to the occasions felt so real. Now my ABCs come as easy as the decision between salty or sweet. It makes me chuckle now at the worry and anxiety I once felt, but here I sit in this coffee shop with the same feelings coming as quickly as the rising sun over my shoulder. I am continually learning and reminding myself that things will work out, patience is key. 
If I can be kind, put my best foot forward and find those simple pleasures in life that is enough to rise to the occasion. 

"You showed me hope amidst the harlequins in spring and you told me life was learning how to be your friend" - Ben Howard

Sunday, March 1, 2015

“When you live in a city with no stars to wish on, you have to wish on each other.” ― Sarah Herrington

Friday, February 20, 2015

When the ghosts of uncertainties meet at the watering hole of my thoughts, there's no peace to be found in that rippling water. 
What if you could be braver than a rodeo rider. 
That I was bolder than a classy cologne.
What if my voice could be as sturdy as the legs that carry me. 
That our differences could mix like a girl dressed in polka dots and stripes.
The feelings of questioning actions and decisions can be down right irritating, just like an unsolvable magic trick.
Luckily ghosts can't live where the light shines upon the water.
Stand tall in the light, living this life the way it is meant to be lived.
Knowing there will be kinks in the lights shadows only to add beautiful detail to my life's picture book.
Age may not be on my side but my heart always is.
Breathing in the warm light and exhaling all uncertainties
turning a watering hole into a wishing well.

No silver or no gold Could dress me up so good- sucker

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Sunday, February 1, 2015

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” ― Plato

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Inside of me I want to serve, I want to do a good job, make a difference.
But I am continually finding myself overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts that I don't feel should accompany me through the sterilized hospital halls.
I have been taken by surprise and feel as if I have been knocked off my feet.
The smells that creep out from moving limbs, trigger my watery eyes attempting to hold back a rude gag.
Dried blood that clings to the creases of faces making me wonder if they regret getting behind the wheel with heroin in their veins.
The unknown that is stamped on families faces as they struggle to grasp their loved ones fate, the false hope that leaps from my lips to comfort, "This is normal, it just takes time."
A disheartened paraplegic who is re-learning to dress himself as I stand by his side trying to recall if one ounce of effort went into putting on my pants this morning.
The judgement and confusion that bounces through my head because of a dad who wants nothing to do with his son who has schizophrenia and a traumatic brain injury.
These things, these people end up closer to my heart than my head.
I carry them home to my dreams only to return in the morning to their reality.
The luck that I carry in my pocket makes a wear outline in my jeans, making me all the more aware of my many blessings and lifes' uncertainties.
To not compare my life to theirs almost feels impossible.
I feel as if I could talk to Jung and Briggs Myers they would inform me that my personality type isn't cut out for the hospital.
I don't want to question my patients motives and extent of their pain but instead remember that they are someones
loved one.
At one time their small feet and hands crawled through grass exploring, just as I once did.
Remembering that they are trying to navigate a wavering world, just as I am.
That they too are a created in the image of a gracious God.
I'm trying to regain my footing.
Constantly finding the balance between compartmentalizing and compassion.

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