Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I love those times when a friend shares or gives you something that just seems to hit dead center in your heart and head. It moves through out your veins spreading to every limb creating ripples and warmth, stirring up all sorts of emotions. Today Emily caused that sort of eruption within in me with  a copy of the book, The Prophet, by Kahil Gibran. 
The words are strong and raw, just as they should be. 
Not only pointing out the beauty but the harshness too, which in itself can be kind of beautiful. 


Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

“Maybe if I forgot things once in a while, we'd all be a little bit happier.” -― Jay Asher

Sunday, March 24, 2013

My friends always tell me that I have a pretty detailed memory.
My friend Kara and I remember the smallest details from stories way back in the day.

I have always been proud and loved the fact that I was able to recall events and enjoy them to some degree again.
Sometimes I don't want to forget a moment so bad that I mentally picture my brain snapping a picture of  the moment.
The moment usually doesn't stick when I do that.

It's funny how I can remember every word from a song in 5th grade but yet I don't even remember what I learned in school.
How does our mind decide what to keep and what to toss?
Whats memorable and whats not?
I thought I would never want to forget anything ever in life.
Not true.

Now there are things I wish I could shake from my head.
Maybe a mild form of Alzheimer's would help.
I know that is an awful thing to think about but somewhat true.

Some moments just seem to wiggle their way into the deepest parts of our mind and find a home, never to be lost or forgotten.

what to wear

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Getting dressed in the morning can be a difficult thing.

There are certain questions that an outfit must answer in order to be worn.
Some of the questions are very typical of any girl deciding what to wear..."Do I feel/look skinny in this?" "Is it comfortable?"

But the most crucial questions I ask myself are:
"Can I jump over something in this if I want" 
"Is there sometime today I will need to do a cart-wheel?"
"Do I want to ride a bike today?" 

I invision myself, almost every morning, being challenged to a headstand competition or being dared to jump over things. If I feel in the mood to be challenged I usually dress in something that I could accept the challenge. 

How many times have I been dared or challenged?... probably not enough to let it dictate what I wear in the morning... 
but I would hate to be challenged and have to use the excuse, "My clothes won't allow me to do that!" 

Somedays I don't feel like I would accept a challenge so those are the days I typically "try" a little bit harder, maybe even throw on a skirt.

There is nothing worse than being uncomfortable all day adjusting, sucking in, and pulling up your clothing. Those are usually the times when you compare yourself to others because you don't feel good. 
I sometimes tell myself in the morning, "Be kind to yourself." 

Dress ready for a cart-wheel, headstand, or bike ride and that is where the memories will be made.

No one ever remembers everyday outfits anyways, its moments of the day that stick.

Tomorrow I am going to need an outfit that allows me to be challenged, free, strong, and ok. 

heavier than a mountain

Sunday, March 17, 2013

This past weekend I went to the mountains.
It was an ice pack to a sore heart.
Actually it was really cold, there was even snow.
The mountains have a way of healing, distracting and clearing a mind.
I wish I could escape to the mountains more, or maybe just live in them.
A talkative river would pulse between the slopped mountains, drowning out the nonsense in my head.
The birds soar freely above, singing songs no one has ever heard.
The peaks appear to have no limits, reaching high up into the pillowed clouds.
I picture myself leaping from one peak to another, getting all the best views.
The mountains create images, thoughts, and feelings that many other things in life can not.

“Hope is really a thought.”

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I love how forward kids are.
If they want a hug, they open up their arms.
If they want to sit in your lap, they plop down, no need to ask.
If they want you to move, they push or grunt.
If they want to swing longer, even though there is a line, they say "more."
No holding back.

I have held back too long on too many things.
Not freely giving, but holding back.
Not saying what I thought or wanted.
Not hugging or loving fully when I wanted.
Not stating what I needed.

This is slowly changing...
and I quite like it.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.” 
-Brene' Brown 


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Controlling the thoughts that enter my mind is one of the biggest challenges I face recently. It is not an easy task to tame your thoughts. Taming a dragon at this point would seem much simpler.

These thoughts sneak in the door, like and unwelcome line of ants, and consume your day just trying to get rid of them.
When a tough decision has to be made, something is unbalanced, not communicated, regretful, and unsolved, my mind is filled up with equations and methods to decide, balance, communicate, embrace, and solve the situation.

Sometimes this can't be done and I have to stop.... I have to take deep breaths, re-focus my thoughts, get moving, distract myself with people watching.
Sometimes these tactics work, other times they don't.

I get so frustrated sometimes when they don't,  I just want to throw up my arms and sigh as big as I can...maybe even throw something. I want to sit right down in the middle of where I am and give up....but I never do.
That would be too embarrassing and I would probably just end up laughing at myself. 
Maybe that would be the solution for controlling thoughts and distracting myself...Embarrassment. 

The most powerful thing I have found in these moments of thoughts running and sometimes ruining everyday experiences..... Reminding myself of how small my problems really are.
There are people out there far worse than me. Suffering and going through much tougher things than I am or could even imagine going through.
It doesn't lessen or cancel out what I am feeling or experiencing, but it does bring things a bit into perspective.

J and G

Thursday, March 7, 2013

My Friday's recently have been spent at the Loma Linda Children's Center for my fieldwork.
 I am spend my 8am to 5pm shift with 1 1/2 to 2 year olds.
I really do enjoy kids, especially the tiny ones, but I also have felt like my Friday's had been taken away from me. Most of the time I feel like just another baby sitter and I wonder to myself what exactly I am doing there.
There I sat last Friday on the floor of the class room surrounded by all the tinies, repeating the same games over and over again.
I felt like the day was slipping through my fingers. I watched out the window as people ran around the track, played soccer, and rode bikes. There was a million other things I would rather be doing in that exact moment.

All of a sudden I felt a body press up close against my left side and heat started to radiate over to me. Then I felt a warm, soft, little hand gently touch my hand.
I looked down and there sat "J" with a big chubby check smile. Her bangs laid ruffled across her forehead with her little belly perturbing out with memories of lunch adding to her butterfly dress.
She picked my hand up and gently started to press on each brightly painted nail, stroking them gently and inspecting them carefully.
All of a sudden a feeling rushed over me, a peaceful feeling.
Tears started to line the rim of my eyes.
It felt like such a long time since I had been touched with such care and warmth.
There was no where else in the world I wanted to be in that instance.
All of a sudden I felt another warm hand reach down and pick up my right hand.
There was "G" copying the exact movement of "J".
We all sat there for a while, quietly.
Every once in a while I would look down at them and there big eyes would look up at me, they would smile with there big dimples stamping the sides of their mouths.

Since that day I have been constantly reminding myself of that peaceful feeling.
When I feel rejected, alone, bored, stressed, angry or really any emotion, I think of "J" and "G".
It still has an affect on me.
It reminds me to breath, accept what is, and that I am valued just being Kati.

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