Sunday, September 30, 2012

I am going through a breakup right now.... key words... "going through."
I am finding out that it is a process, one that people say takes months.
Its like the debit machine saying "processing", waiting for it to give you the "approved" so that you can go on your way.
It's not something that you find a quick fix for or slap a band-aid on and its all better.
The wound is still underneath that band-aid, waiting to heal.

As much as I wish that the pit in my stomach would leave, I know it is good for me to process everything, feel everything.

I thought a breakup would just have one feeling. hurt.
I am finding out there are a mixture of feelings that accompany hurt.
loneliness, confusion, love, disappointment, humiliated, loss, anger.

I hate that I question what I actually meant to the other person.
I hate that someone is able to hurt me so bad.
I don't like wondering where my best friend went.
Coming to the conclusion that I may not know that person as well as I thought.
Realizing that I may never get answers or understand my questions.
I hate not being able to push that person out of my mind.

That is what love does to us though, makes us vulnerable.
Its all part of the process, at least thats what I am told.
I could say that I am growing, expanding and coming out a better person.
Maybe that will happen, but right now I just feel the pit.
It stinks!
Breakups are the pits.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Have you ever been or felt so aware of something... but ignored it?
Like every bone, every hair, every cell in your body is aware. 
You pretend not to be aware, but you always find yourself being even more aware. 
I want to be aware. 


Sunday, September 23, 2012

I read this excerpt in a book recently. I really like Harry Potter.

Harry Potter is worried because he might be bad because of his association with Voldemort, his recent anger and having dark feelings and thoughts. 

Sirius Black responds:  I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are. 

I get to choose. That's a relief and worry. 

Just because a person has worrisome thoughts and fears does not mean they are true. 

I have fear of....
living an ordinary life
worrying about my weight
not being creative 
making the wrong decision
viewed as stuck up
ending up unhappy in the end

Sometimes these fears feel so real. 
These are all fears I have felt at one time or another. 
Doesn't mean they are true or will come true. 

These fears are not going to come true based on the generations before me.  
I don't know what to believe at times.
What instinct should I follow? 
It is an internal conflict at times. 

I guess Sirius has a solution... We get to choose what to believe in. 


Thursday, September 20, 2012

There are some hearts that are rare to find. My mom has one of them. 
She is completely devoted to the people in her life, she would do just about anything for them. My mom is continually thinking of ways to show the people around her how much she loves them. She is the one who taught me to "place my self in someone else's shoes." Her heart is able to feel what other people feel, whether that is excitement or hurt. Her heart is soft but tough, she doesn't give in to a challenge. My mom's heart accepts anyone, doesn't matter what you have done. Our family is lucky to have someone with such a heart. When you find those rare hearts you don't let go.

I think my aunt sums up my mom nicely. ( this is a Facebook post my aunt had.)

"This is the life my sister saved yesterday ( picture of a turtle.) She found this water turtle on the sizzling road miles from water! His new home is a beautiful pond..He loves it! Teri does this all the time.. She has a cat she found with a broken back, her dog is a "seeing eye dog drop out" and her other cat looks odd but can't remember what's wrong with it. I'm afraid I would have passed that turtle and thought good luck buddy.. I want to be like my big sister!"

Happy Birthday Mom! 

Kid Goggles

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Kids have a way of making you feel like you are so important. I met up with the boys I use to nanny in Walla Walla at Sky High ( a trampoline gym in Spokane). As I started to walk up to the building Frankie, the littlest, came running out with his bright red hair and his arms as wide as they would stretch ready to give me the biggest hug. Owen and Timmy followed behind him and pretty soon I found myself in the middle of a Worden sandwich. Ahhh it was a great feeling!!!
We did flips into the foam pit, challenged each other in copy cat and dominated in dodge ball!

It is that kid thing again ( I am going to call it kid goggles.) Besides kids making you feel like you are so cool, they actually accept you for who are. They welcome whoever in and love them, doesn't matter the age difference. They don't care what mistakes you have made or accomplishments you have had, they just like you for you. They don't stay angry long and always want to be friends again. I want my kid goggles back!!

"Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; It requires us to be who we are. Love belongs with belonging. It's a choice to show up and be real." 
-Brene Brown 

I love the outdoors

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Nana at 70 at the top of Abercrombie!!
Yesterday I joined in on a family tradition... climbing our family mountain, Abercrombie (7th tallest peak in Washington state, tallest peak is Stevens county, impressive I know). This is something my mom and aunt did when they were little with their mom and dad. Every couple years we make the long drive up to the "base camp" of the mountain to climb to the top to see our time capsule.

This year my Nana turned 70 years old and her goal was to climb Abercrombie. As we set out to conquer the mountain I decided to do the climb with my Nana. It was probably the most enjoyable climb I have ever had. I was in no rush. I was able to slow down and enjoy all that was surrounding me...beauty. I was the last up and the last down, but I didn't care. I actually really enjoyed it, I now think that is the way to do it.

As we were walking up I asked my nana to tell me stories from when she was little or about papa and her falling in love. We would stop to talk, laugh and enjoy the scenery along the trail.
My Nana said something that got me thinking, I don't remember exactly in what context it was, but it was good. She said "Sometimes I look at pictures of myself from when I was a little girl and I think to myself, I love that little girl."

Where did that little girl go?

little me
Somewhere along the adventure of life we can lose the little kid in ourselves. It is so easy to be hard on the older version of ourselves vs. the tiny one. The tiny version is a free spirit, loving, accepting, creative, innocent, confident kid. How could you not like that?

Looking at pictures of myself I sometimes think the same thing. "Man, I love the little me!!"

The thing is the little us is not gone, maybe just a little lost.

What's worth doing even if we would fail?

Friday, September 14, 2012

 Lately I have found myself in the coaching position. I find myself saying things to other people like:
"follow your heart!"
"don't care what other people think, do what you want."
"Make sure you are making choices that you won't regret, you don't want to have regret in the end"

The funny thing is I often don't follow my own advice. classic.

One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown The gifts of imperfection, talks about peoples ability to be vulnerable and how to live life in a wholehearted way. I just saw her on a talk show the other morning and she really got the wheels in my mind spinning. So I am going to try and process/share some of the things she talked about, because I think a lot of people could benefit from her research.

I like the idea of being open enough with people so that they can truly see who I am. The truth is, it's scary and people could reject you. Brene Brown says it is key to find those people in your life, who you can be completely vulnerable/open with. There is the chance you will get hurt. It can be hard to find those people who accept you for your quirks and "faults." But when you find those people, you know they will accept and love you despite those things. Vulnerability is what hold the intimacy and closeness in any relationship. But that closeness can not be reached with out being vulnerable.

I tend to down play what I am feeling. If something exciting could possibly happen to me I act like I am  not really that excited about it, just in case it doesn't happen. When something really sad happens I act like I don't care and that I am not really that upset about it. These are big no no's according to Brene Brown. She says that when we down play or "numb" the excitement or sadness in our lives we are not truly living, it doesn't allow us to connect with people around us. Instead I am protecting myself from embarrassment or disappointment. By numbing my emotions, I am unable to be vulnerable and allow people to connect with me either through excitement or sadness.

Vulnerability can also be viewed as courageous. As I think of people through history who were vulnerable, I also view them as courageous. Being vulnerable takes guts people. It's not easy to put yourself out there not knowing how people will respond to you.

Brene Brown talks about the guys in the movies we are always cheering for. We always want the guy to go confess his love for the girl and be brave! But yet when it comes to us and our lives, we can view it as weak when someone is vulnerable. We don't want to be the person confessing love or standing up for what we believe. That is open for too much criticism.

I want to be vulnerable. I want to let what I feel show.
I believe I can practice being vulnerable, by being excited when I am excited and being sad when I'm sad, and knowing it's ok to do so.
 Knowing that I will connect with people by being vulnerable and open to the fact that I may get hurt in the process.
Life is too short to be conservative with how we feel.

I am going to try to take some of my own coaching advice. I may fail, but its worth trying.

Here is one of my very favorite movie clips from When Harry Met Sally. I think this is one of the ultimate moments of being vulnerable in movie history.( Big statement.) I guess you can judge that for yourselves.

I love sugar!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

It has been a while since I have baked anything. I could give excuses as to why I haven't baked in a while, but I won't bother. The point is, if I really had wanted to bake, I probably could of found a way. Last night my friend Kara and I decided to bake some delicious cookies. I am not really a fan of cookies (more of an ice cream/froyo type of girl) but they are easy and fun to make. They kind of looked like turds when they were done, but besides that minor detail they were really really good (especially for someone who isn't a cookie fan.) It is satisfying to see something from start to finish. The reward being I get to eat and share chocolate Reese's cookies. 

North vs. South

Monday, September 10, 2012

Flying north I didn't feel like I was going to my home. I felt like I was going to the house where I grew up and where my parents live. The house where I have played countless hours in the yard, practiced hand stands in the living room, laughed and played games with friends and family. The house where holiday's were spent and birthday candles were blown out. The house that has given me a warm feeling every time I walk through its door. 

Back Yard In Post Falls
Willow and the Garden
Flying north I felt like I was leaving my new home in Loma Linda. It was an odd feeling (new feeling) and I felt almost guilty for having it, I was turning my back on my house in Post Falls. 

The truth is I am now creating my own home. ( I have been crafting a bit). I have taken ownership of my new home. I will get that warm feeling when I walk through its door. 



My New Chalk Board for a New House!
My home is wherever I am. I have to learn to live and adapt to whatever situation I am in and make it home. Own it. I'm really excited about my new home. I feel like I'm playing pretend adult, but really I'm doing the real thing. I'm doing adult things. It feels good. 

Getty Bed

Sunday, September 2, 2012

I needed an adventure yesterday... So Emily, Jordan and I decided to go to the Getty Museum in LA. It was nice to be able to escape Loma Linda for a bit and explore something new. This museum is unlike any museum I have ever seen. It's huge!! You could spend a whole day there relaxing in the beautiful grounds and explore the art halls. The art work really covered all spectrums of emotions, which is what I have been feeling a lot lately. I wish I was able to depict it as well as some of those artist do. Finding a way to express what you are feeling is really valuable and helpful. I wish I could have learned that earlier in life. But now I am trying to put it into practice. 

Today I did something that other people could mock me or think "whats the big deal?". Well... I bought a bed. This is a big step for me. I usually don't make too many decisions on my own. I gather what other people think and then make a decision. It usually includes a call to my parents to see what they think. Today I decided which bed I wanted all on my own!! It felt good to be decisive. Emily told me today something one of her friends shared with her from a book. The book is about choices. She explained that people who buy something with the mind set that they might return it are less satisfied with their purchase. But if you have the mind set that you are going to commit to your purchase that you will be completely satisfied and find more joy. I committed to the mattress and I am satisfied with my purchase. It's all about your mind set.

Getty Garden
Emily telling us to make angry faces (obviously she didn't understand her own directions) 
Asparagus Dinner

I bought a bed!!

Proud owner

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