Real life?

Monday, December 31, 2012

The other day I got out of my car and was walking towards the sidewalk. A very bouncy smiley lady maybe in her 40's came walking by. As she passed me she smiled, winked, and no lie, did a spin and just kept walking. I was shocked. I looked around for the cameras, was I in a musical?
At first I thought, "what the heck was that?" I even felt a bit of embarrassment for her.
Then I became a bit jealous...
 She was confident enough to wink at a stranger and spin!!!

Then just today I passed a real life cowboy. I have seen a lot of cowboys, but none to the intensity of this one. And in all places southern California, in a Stater Bros parking lot.
He was a cowboy you would see off a Marlboro commercial.
He lightly gripped the front of his cowboy hat and tipped it down and said "howdy miss" as he passed me.

In both of these situations I didn't even know how to respond.
I just thought to myself "Is this real life?"


Friday, December 28, 2012

We have no where important to be.
We are exactly where we should be.
Tonight Bella (my sisters dog) and I lay in the comfort of my bed.
I don't really like christian music...but tonight I got a craving.
So I sit with this different rendition of a song I find so soothing to my ears.
It familiar and welcoming.
As the song hits my ears, I can feel it move through my body to my heart.
Filling it with all sorts of goodness.

You know some people they just won't understand no I just won't understand

Thursday, December 27, 2012


Here I find myself in the kiddy corner at the goodwill bookstore.
I can escape here.
My internal heart compass always steers me to where I need to go. 
The sturdy arrow of my compass rarely points me in the wrong direction.
It may wobble and spin gaining its balance but it always straightens out.  
Maybe I find myself here because the other books are just too overwhelming.
Daunting philosophies, cryptic messages, battles between good and evil.  
I already have my own philosophies.
My mind already thinks in puzzling metaphors and pictures.
I have my own battles to armor up for. 

In this kiddy corner I can place all of that aside.
My eyes are captured and held captive by the bright colors. 
The words are simple and straight, refreshing cool water to my overused, over-exhausted mind. 
You will not find any mystery or unanswered questions in this corner. 
Everything is wrapped up nicely, no loose ends to stumble over.  

How these books end up in this book orphanage, I don't know. 
Maybe people have outgrown them, or at least think they have. 

Meaningful lessons still lurk behind their water stained, colored, torn, rippling pages.
Lessons of manners, sharing, bravery, fairness, practicing kindness, being true to yourself, and love. 
Sometimes as we grow older these lessons are abandoned, forgotten, lost in the jumble of life. 
I find myself in this kiddy corner not wanting to leave. 
I want to capture it in a jar, just like fireflies, taking it everywhere with me. 


Saturday, December 22, 2012

I sit tonight with cold feet.
This is not an uncommon thing.
I use to just sit with my cold feet.
I could cope and adjust.

I sometimes wonder why I do things a certain way.
I look back and think about things I would do differently.
I use to get stuck on the ways of how things are "supposed" to be done.
Get stuck on how I felt I was "supposed" to perform/be.
I am no Martha Stewart.
I question the way I have done things.
Why I reacted certain ways in certain situations.
It's confusing, mind boggling.
It's hard not to look back.

Tonight I decided to go and grab my wigwam socks.
Tonight I'm not only coping but thriving.

contorted xmas list

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Every year around this time I get asked/hassled to make a christmas list.
You think this would be an easy task but it isn't.
There are so many things to take into consideration like how expensive things are, or what you want the very most because you can't have everything you ask for.
I rattled my brain trying to think of what my list would consist of.
It is hard to think of things when you feel like you don't really need anything.
I thought to myself "Come on Kati! It's not that hard. If you could have anything with no limits what would it be?"
I started to list things off in my head, explaining each suggestion as if someone was taking diligent notes.

1. I would ask for a plain ticket to Ireland or Greece. Maybe even find myself a nice, tall, strong man with an accent.

2. A scooter/motorcycle is something I have dreamed of having for a long time. It would be one that matches me and we would be the best of friends.

3. I have always been a fan of basketball games so I think I would ask for a ticket to the NBA Finals.
or personal team in which I could challenge to a basketball game at any time.

Then I was stumped... overwhelmed.
None of this stuff was going to make my life better.
In fact my life has really really sucked (to put it nicely) at times these past months.
None of these things, I think, could reverse the damage done.

So my christmas list changed directions. I asked myself,
What is it that makes me happy?

1. Spending time with the people I love.

The answer was easy.

Its the moments of

uncontrollable laughter
 meaningful discussions
meaningless stories
river swimming
long walks
drinking coffee or tea
bike riding
train painting
wave chasing
color running
eating great food
tree fort making
berry eating
playing sports
grocery shopping
road tripping

My first day, my last day, everyday and christmas day I want to spend in these moments...connecting, engaging and being present with the people I love.


Sunday, December 16, 2012

Straight down the center.
I am face to face with a split.
One side I know really well, the other side is foreign.
I can face the foreign side, smile and politely wave.
The other side I ignore and push away. 
Will these two sides ever join?
Will they meet on some kind of common ground?
or will I have to deal with them separately?
No define line.
Very often are things ever defined and clear.
If it is unclear, you have to make it clear for yourself.
Whether that is making it right, letting go, or coming to terms.
So I take my chalk and draw my own, bold, bright line.
Something I can put my feet on and walk clearly across.
One foot in front of the other.
It feels good to my bare chalked feet.


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

My brain has been opened to be stuffed, shoved, and packed to the brink. I picture a tub of chicken from KFC being piled and packed, making sure the customer gets all the chicken he or she paid for.
I can't seem to muster up the motivation I so desperately need.
 Ive tried listening to a song that will pump me up but all it does is makes me want to dance.
 Ive tried running mini laps, doing jumping jacks outside of Starbucks, but I just get cold and think about how I need to go to the gym.
Ive tried secluding myself in a cubicle in the dungeon of the library but I always find myself taking too many breaks and finding people to talk to.
And here I am now supposed to be studying but instead I am procrastinating more by blogging about having no motivation.
I have a million thoughts running every which way.
Pull it together Kati!


Thursday, December 6, 2012

Yesterday evening Emily and I went on some errands (also known as procrastination on my part) to find some random technical chord and bike lights. From the start of our outing Emily had been saying how she needed to get gas. We were headed to our last destination, the bike shop and got distracted from getting gas by trying to get the directions off of our GPS.
After leaving the shop and heading back to Loma Linda on Barton, Emily said very calmly "I think we are going to run out of gas. Where is the next gas station?"
I looked behind us and spotted one not to far down the road, so we decided to flip a U and try to make it to the gas station....We didn't. As we flipped a U the car lurched and decided to die right there on Barton. The gas station was in sight but the road was long with what felt like a slight incline. As the car finished off the momentum it had, I opened the door and waited for it to slow down a bit so I could jump out and push. We jumped out and put all of our weight into the side of the car pushing with every ounce we could muster up in our bodies.
I felt like I was on the worlds strongest man pushing that car, but seriously losing the competition. Eventually I had to kick off my shoes because my flats were causing me more trouble than help.
 I thought for sure someone would stop to help 2 barefoot girls pushing a car, that was obviously out of gas. What felt like a katrillion cars passed us, my frustration began to grow.
 "What the heck Loma Linda/ Redlands residents!" Emily and I would express to the passing cars. "REALLY!?!?"
 Even a biker passed us and didn't even acknowledge us struggling to push the empty lifeless Subaru. Finally we made it to the gas station but the biggest challenge was ahead. It didn't seem too big when you looked at it but the incline entrance was staring straight at us taunting, "Good luck guys." I moved to the back of the Subaru and took a couple feet back and got a good running start, but it didn't budge in fact I think it rolled back.
Finally a pick-up stopped and a young guy popped out and ran over to help. We couldn't express to him how thankful we were for his help.
Emily and I were laughing about the struggle we had up barton, I mean it was a memorable experience. But we were still expressing some frustration at the fact that so many cars passed us so easily.
 Then I thought of this video that I love on being grateful. It is surprising how your attitude can change when you just list 5 things you are grateful for. Or actually take the time to look around and see all the good that surrounds you. It is surprisingly surprising.
 I am never going to pass a car with people pushing it ever again, doesn't matter where I am headed or what the weather is doing. I am stopping! I think Emily and I both made that pack.

I know this video is the good stuff starts at 3:20 on the video. Watch it, soak it in, do what you want with it.

tea and stuff

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Sinking in deeper to my memory foam bed top.
Pillows are propped up strategically to stabilize my tired head and back.
My body begins to generate heat throughout my newly washed sheets.
A mug is positioned safely between my two hands.
I sip tea which runs down my throat bit by bit.
It inches down cleansing as it replaces the cold with warmth.
Each tea bag whether new or reused brings new flavors, new beginnings.
It invites relaxation to consume my whole body.
I sink deeper into my bed, being careful not to spill.
But if I do spill I wont oppose the minty refreshing smell that lingers on my sheets.
My breathing is soft and slow. My thoughts are purposeful.
Tea has a certain ability to wake a person up for the day, or relax them for sleep.
To join people in conversation or leave someone to be by themselves and simply meditate.
Tonight I sit sipping my tea, inviting rest, inviting dreams, smiling back on today.


Monday, December 3, 2012

My legs pedal hard.
My calfs and thighs begin to burn and it pulses through out each leg.
The pain intensifies with every turn my feet take on my bike's ferris wheel.
The harder I push the more I feel like I am headed somewhere important, somewhere with meaning.
My hands grip tightly to my bright yellow handle bars, pulling and supporting me along my journey.
I don't know what turns I am taking or which way to go.
The wind rushes through my hair creating a long blonde tangled train.
As the wind hits my face, tears roll down.
I can't tell if it is the rain, wind or emotion that is creating this cascade of water rolling down my face.
My front tire begins to leave the ground, reminding me of ET.
Next, my back wheel is lifted from the hot, wet pavement and I am headed towards the clouds.
There is no bird traffic to manipulate through.
Just the dark, cloudy skies to fight against.
Soon the sun is blaring in my face and the heat is almost overwhelming.
In the distance I can see the outline of the little Vempali school.
I see small dark figures scurrying around and as I get closer I see that it is all the school kids.
Suddenly I notice my eyes are no longer welling and rolling with tears, just the trails of dried tears are left.
I lower my bike down to the ground and am greeted with warm accepting hugs.
My worries and stressors have almost disappeared, I am overwhelmed by the peace that flows over me.
I have returned to the heart.
A heart filled with purpose, overwhelming love, understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance.
My bike starts to shake, and quickly I find myself in Loma Linda off the trail barreling through wet grass.
The rain is pounding down on my puffy jacket and my legs continue to burn.
Water is running down my face but it is no longer accompanied by tears.
I keep pedaling, keep pushing, the pain is still there, but it is has become dull, because I have found the heart.


Thursday, November 29, 2012

My new kick is Instagram. I seriously see 10 things a day that I could take pictures of. I mean I put a link to it on my blog, thats how into it I am. Do I really think that everyone wants to see everything that I think is interesting or what I am doing?
I always find myself so into something thats new. It ends up being all I think about or want to do.
I just keep telling myself "I do what I want." I wonder when this will get old and people will be sick of hearing me say it?

Instagram on.

4 simple things

Monday, November 26, 2012

There were 4 things today that made me really happy.

#1 I got my bike up and running again. When I say "I" it actually means my friend Evan. I have been without a bike for a couple weeks now and lets just say it has been rough. I missed my avocado green bike taking me wherever my heart so desires. I don't have the skills/tools to fix my flat tires but Evan taught/reviewed me today and I feel pumped and ready to fix my bike all up. Also I got to see my favorite nephew, Jet! I got lots of puppy loving.

Jet Kinne Bike Shop
#2 I got to drive around with my windows down. The weather was perfect. It was sunny and bright with just a bit of crisp (like a good crispy apple) that hit my face. This weather is perfect for my basil plant too, because it has been needing some sun.

#3 My sister and I got gift cards to Panera Bread from our aunt for our birthdays. We went there today for lunch and I got a delicious (unhealthy) sandwich and soup. Later we went to dinner at PHO with some peeps and I got a big bowl of soup. YUM! And yes I ate it all! I always love spending time with Ash. She always makes me laugh and seems to always have the right words to say that make me feel better.

#4 Lastly Kinzie my friend sent me a video that made me cringe because it was so cute and laugh because it was so funny! I love those kinds of videos. This is the type of fight I want to be apart of, actually its more like dance moves that I want to incorporate into my choreography.

Popcorn Carpet

Sunday, November 25, 2012

This was our living room the other night. Typically this would have been me to make this big mess...but this time it wasn't. Kara decided to make us popcorn for dinner. As she was walking over to join me watching The Office, she proudly said "its finished" right as the words came out of her mouth down went the bowl. Immediately her face turned from a proud parent to an ashamed puppy who had just peed on their owners bathrobe. Sasha and I could not help the uncontrollable laughing. Kara eventually joined in too. We decided to try to salvage the popcorn and scoop it up and eat it.(we ended up tossing it after the 4th hair we found. Hint: we need to vacuum more.) But there was a little pile of brewers yeast left on the floor. I told Kara "thats going to suck to pick up tomorrow" Kara and Sasha looked at me with disgust/confusion all over their faces. "Tomorrow? we aren't waiting until tomorrow."The reason I said tomorrow is because I wanted to finish The Office right then. I thought it was a brilliant idea. Whats the problem with leaving a little brewers yeast on the floor? I mean it was eventually going to get picked up. The confusion all over their faces was because this is very out of character for me, I usually like things nice and tidy. But my thought this time was "what is the rush?" I don't know why I rush to pick things up or clean things up. It just stresses me out and makes me all anxious. I hate those feelings. Why not just finish what your doing and then when you have time it will get done. Everything eventually gets cleaned up, finished, turned in, shows up. 


Saturday, November 24, 2012

Words can be very powerful, but only when you can feel and sense the emotion behind them.
I hate empty words. The words that you can tell were carefully articulated and caged and controlled. Perfect grammar and complete sentences.
Give me a jumble mess of words that are composed by emotion. A letter that encases heart. Not words you can tell are written just because they feel obligated to be written down.
It's not words that let a person know you care about them, it is the emotion behind the words, the way you conduct yourself that lets a person know that you care. Thats what is powerful. Empty words on a page are unwanted.
How can you take them to heart when no heart was put behind them?
That is the beauty in letters, letting go and letting words flow to the river of your emotions.

My attempt to be festive

Thursday, November 22, 2012



Pre-Thanksgiving workout
Instagram: Cousins
Awkward Cousin Picture

Gabe and I 

Thanksgiving walk to shucks

Dinner Time
Aunt Linda and Gabe cooking

Add caption

Thanksgiving Nap Kara
Gabe and Sash playing Guess Who

Hot Tubbing

The Cousins

Scary Faces

Our Model Shots

Dad Ready for Charlie's Turkey Trot

Eric Setting the Pace

The Gang!! 


I hate it when you go to the bathroom in a department store. You would think that a big corporation would have enough money to make their guest comfortable and invest a bit in their toilet paper. But no they don't.
There I am sitting on the toilet attempting to pull the toilet paper off the roll. The toilet paper rolls are too big and too close to each other so they won't even rotate to pull toilet paper off. Then when you try to pull some off, the toilet paper is so thin that it shreds off in thin pieces that could be made into confetti. So there you find yourself with a hand full of confetti trying to figure out how in the world you are going to wipe.
Tough situation.
At that moment all I can think about is how I miss my toilet paper and wish I was at home in the comfort of my own home bathroom.


Wednesday, November 21, 2012

It's Thanksgiving break... so that calls for a Tim Tam party. Tim Tams are seriously little cookies that make your taste buds feel like they have gone to heaven. We wanted everyone to experience this so we had a Tim Tam party! It was nice to have our 2 bedroom and pantry home filled with all different people. To be honest I didn't know half of the people who were standing in my home, but it was fun to meet new people and watch them try to figure out how to do a Tim Tam Slam.
 It is always awkward when you are waiting for someone to try something for the first time, you stand there staring at them waiting for their reaction...It's never what you expect. It is easy to expect a great reaction when you think something is so amazing. Like when I give a gift, I usually think "OH this person is going to love this!! They are going to go crazy!" but....they never do. I shouldn't expect a reaction from people when I am probably the worst at being excited about things like that or getting presents. I am always so unsure about everything I get right in the beginning. It could be something I have been wanting but I act like I am all hesitant and not really sure that is what I want....when really it is. It is so awkward receiving presents. It feels like you have to put on a show and half the time the people can tell. I think it is usually more exciting to give a present or watch someone try something you love then actually receive one or try it yourself. 
My mom once told me "don't have expectations and then you won't be let down, you can only be surprised." 
Instagram picture
I know I will still get excited about giving someone a present or having them try something for the first time. But I will have an understanding that I might not get the performance I paid for.

Our Chalk Board

Sash and Contessa

Ash doing her 1st Tim Tam Slam

The Kinne's

Kara Coaching Neil


Well used living room

Life lessons

Monday, November 19, 2012

Throughout my short life I have been given little tid bits of advice, lessons learned from all sorts of people around me. I feel so darn lucky to have these people a part of my life.

Dad- My dad probably taught me the most useful lesson...Hook shot. I remember my dad and I out in our driveway on our half cement half gravel court. I remember him telling me that the hook shot was his favorite shot and telling me about all the legends who used it. He would line me up and would have me practice this shot over and over again. He would tell me it was a hard shot to defend if the shot was executed right. This shot has come in use many times when I have played one on one and am not quite tall enough to go up straight against the defender.

Papa- My Papa always was full of advice. I remember ridding in his big skin colored pick up truck bouncing around the backroads of Northport. He would always start by saying "you know Kate" when that phrase came you knew something important was about to be said. He told me that if you ever see screech marks off the road to slow down because there might be black ice. I can't tell you how many times I have seen screech marks going off a road and have always slowed down. Or one time I was talking his ear off and he looked at me and asked "do you ever stop talking?" I immediately stopped talking and slunk down into the rough pickup bench. He then turned to me and said "you know Kate don't ever stop talking, thats a good quality." I got right back into talking his ear off.

Mom- Put yourself in someone else's shoes. This is the lesson my mom ingrained in my head. She was constantly pushing me to step outside of myself and try to look through someone else's eyes. She also taught me the importance of presentation. My mom is a huge gift giver which I have inherited as well. Every time she makes anything she always wraps it so nicely it makes you not even want to open the present. Even when she serves breakfast she puts everything in dishes, the syrup can't be poured from the bottle it has to have its own bowl with its own cute spoon. She takes the time to make everything look so nice, never cutting corners.

Ashley- I look up to my big sister a lot. I think any younger sibling does. Ashley has taught me many things but I think the lesson that has been most beneficial is not caring what anyone else thinks about you. She used to tell me "no one can argue with you if you just say no." That has always been difficult for me especially being a people pleaser. Ash stands up for herself, doesn't let anyone walk over her. Even when we were younger she was the queen, never settled for a role less than that. She doesn't settle.

Aunt Shelly- No shame. This best describes my aunt. She is rarely embarrassed and often offers herself for embarrassment. Think of your most embarrassing story and imagine telling it to a room full of people.... this is my aunt. Most of the time you are cringing and just praying that she will stop talking but in the end she has everyone laughing and offering up their own stories. Her "openness" makes others around her feel welcome and not judged. If there is anyone who is able to laugh at themselves and their embarrassing moments it is my aunt.

I hope someday I make it on someones list of wise people. I want to offer this world some advice. Some advice that sticks like these people's advice and lessons have stuck with me.
Mom, Dad and Ash

Mom, Nana, Auntie Shelly 

Keep Your Hair Long

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Yesterday I got a letter from my Nana. Inside she had stuffed cute pictures, hopeful quotes, and heart warming stories.
This morning when I got out of the shower a note was sitting on my bed. My roommate had left me a heart-felt note with this quote at the end....

 "Keep your head up, Keep your heart strong, keep your mind set, keep your hair long." -Ben Howard.

Sash said this is one of her new favorite songs and I would have to agree.

Sometimes you feel like your alone, then someone makes a simple gesture to remind you that your not.

This music video is great... I wish I could be in it. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

If you read my blog at all you will see that I have had a pattern in my writings lately. I am discovering things about myself and who I am.
It hasn't been the easiest process.
It takes time.
Just like nurturing my front lawn. I water it morning and night and hope that grass will grow.

Last weekend some friends and I decided to go and pick out a movie from RedBox. Being the decisive one has never really been my role, until lately. I figure if I have an opinion why not speak up and say. So that is what I did, I told them "that movie looks bad." "no don't want that one" on and on. Finally a friend turned around and gave me the 'you are crazy' look and said something along the lines of "wow you have an opinion tonight." I took that as my opinion was no longer wanted so I retreated to looking at the sale specials in the front of the store. I washed my hands of the situation. Later that same friend told me I was grumpy that night and asked what was going on. I didn't feel like anything was going on I just felt opinionated in that moment.

Sometimes I think it is hard to accept change not only in ourselves but in other people too.

I know people change. I think people are constantly changing. I think people are capable of changing for better or worse.
Just recently my own views on many different issues have changed.

It is interesting how you can tell a person that you believe one way on issues and over time maybe your opinion changes but you feel like you can't change your view on that issue from what you initially said. 

Don't know if that makes sense or not....but it does in my head.
I don't know why I have felt that way in the past, maybe pride, maybe trying to be consistent, maybe trying to appear like I am a stable good person. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind after you have already stated something else. Why do I hold on so strong to what I first said, when I am questioning all along what I really believe in my head.

Changing your mind shows growth, acceptance that maybe you were wrong or realizing that maybe something else is better.

Change is never easy, accepting your wrong is never easy, accepting new views on life is not easy.

Opinions Change, Views Change, People Change.

p.s Our grass is

Changing faces

What A Day People!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

You know when you wake up in the morning and you have the thought, "ugh this is going to be a rough day."? well, I woke up feeling like that this morning.
I drove myself to Sbucks to study and when I walked in those welcoming doors I decided "this is going to be a good day, even if I have to fake it."

I ordered myself a fancy latte vs. the brewed coffee I usually get. That sure cheered me up, funny how food can do that. Probably not the best thing. ha

Later that day I didn't feel like sitting in chapel listening to someone preach to me. I decided to skip (we get 2 skips a quarter) and go play basketball. I haven't played basketball in a while. It felt so good to have that ball in my hands and walk onto that court. It is a feeling I have really missed. On the court next to me there were a whole bunch of older gentlemen playing. When I say older I mean OLD. It made me smile so big. I was so impressed to see them out there using their old school moves. I wanted to ask them if I could play. I feel like I could have kept up and maybe learned some old school moves.  I loved this little community of older men meeting up weekly to play basketball. I want to be apart of it, I just don't quite make the cut, not old enough or male.

But the day just kept going at a good steady pace of fun.

Em and I were planning on going on a walk but then Em had the brilliant idea of blading. (roller blading for those of you who are not familiar with the lingo.) We strapped on our blades and hit the pavement. We decided it would be a good idea to go into the parking garage and make our way to the very top and ride down. The whole time we were blading around I kept picturing/pretending us creating mayhem. It just seemed to fit blading in a parking garage, it seems like thats were all the trouble starts.  I couldn't help but think of the movie BRINK A disney movie about kids who skate. Well we made it to the top only to be greeted by a security guard who informed us we needed to get out of the parking garage. Then I really felt Bad-A for getting kicked out of a parking garage.

Then I finished the night off with a good dinner at In-and-Out with my good friend Kinzie. It really hit the spot indulging in my grilled cheese and fries. YUM!

My bad gut feeling day turned out to be a pretty exciting day. I want everyday to be like today.
Instagram Pic

I'm so excited my forehead wrinkled

Em getting ready to do some tricks

Em wanting to hold my hand

The oldies but goodies basketball players


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

We are surrounded by a striving society.
Striving to finish school.
Striving to be the best at whatever sport.
Striving to have lots of friends, to have people like you.
Striving for approval.
I think it boils down to wanting the best for yourself.
Its natural to want the best for yourself.

But, this thought of wanting to be more also means that your not enough now.

Really all you have is now.
All you have is yourself in this moment and what you have to offer.
When will we stop being hard on ourselves?
Stop the striving.
Stop the negative thought patterns.
No one is ever going to give us the approval we are looking for.
We will never reach that ideal image in our head.
Once we can accept what is, then we will be ideal.

Because right in this very instance, we are enough.

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